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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2002-12-12 - 1:32 a.m. Ok I am back for 'an entry from hell' Firstly, I came offline because 'he' was treating me in a way which I find most disagreeable. The past few weeks - God knows how long - it has been like this. Me watching what I say, sitting there thinking: 'can I say this?' I feel like I am in something that is not going so well now... probably because it's true. I keep wondering if it is me, but for some things I have solid evidence it is not me. However much I love this person... I am now reminded of why I was single for so long. If this is what it means to be part of something with someone else then maybe I am not cut out for it. Like I have said before... perhaps I attract a certain type of person and thus make the same mistakes over and over. I am starting to re-evaluate my life. However much I want to have the perfect life, which for me is having a good job and then getting married and having a nice house and children (traditionalist that I am)... I can't allow myself to constantly feel like this in order to fulfil that. I wonder what is my life about? Anyway I was watching TV when I came offline, so I carried on doing that. Then I tried to go to sleep. After an hour or so of trying to sleep - I gave up. I feel very depressed now because I just want to escape everything... emotions, pain, lack of sleep... by going to sleep BUT I can't. So I came back online... I hadn't figured on him being online... major mistake coming back... cos then he really made me feel shit. So.... the result is: Him: 2morrow i wont speak to u,n after 2morrow am guna talk to u, c u after 2morrow.
I think I will just come online to check email and maybe job search. You know what fucks me off... I am not allowed to have an opinion in the sense that I am not allowed to feel hurt, angry or upset without him thinking it is justified. YET he can flip his lid at me over anything and I have to accept that and apologise or make it up to him. So basically he can say whatever he wants to me or treat me however he likes and I am just supposed to maintain a certain 'happy' kind of exterior. Well hang me up by the short and curlies... life aint like that! To top this fantastic night off - two of my closest friends are breaking up. Ouch I feel depressed... I feel like crying my eyes out, but I hate to cry... it shows that I care. Ok I am going to shut up - I sound full of self-pity and Godamnit that's not attractive... One thought on a non-poo level... I think I am going to start compiling a list of experessions in English. Everyone keeps telling me how many weird ones I use! |
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