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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2002-05-25 - 9:08 p.m. Hmm, it�s 23.04 (Friday) and I am writing this on my laptop so that I can insert it into my diary tomorrow. I�m feeling particularly shi*te� I can�t sleep. I am making the effort to remain in bed and try to rest/sleep, even though my body is telling me to get up and do something. I know this would please my parents � they get so worried about me because I don�t rest enough � in the words of the doctors I �speed�. I am half lying/sitting propped up in bed with the lights out, some music on and of course my trusty laptop � oh and a snoring dog (well at least someone gets some sleep!) � not exactly a hip �n� happening Friday night! My body is really hot as well� have the window open, but am still boiling. Weird thing is my feet are absolutely freezing � damned Raynaud�s � and yet my hands are all swollen, red and hot. I am like a human freak!! BUT I know there are people more freaky than me, so that is some consolation. One good thing� I was trying to explain to my mamma about how I feel about the whole �living at home again� thing. She was surprisingly understanding � although I did word it well. I told her how I feel that I just get in the way � being ill all over the place. In a million ways I couldn�t ask for nicer parents. I know they will see me alright � especially financially. I feel sorry for them that they have ended up with a child like me hanging on and not that much hope of me leaving (unless a massive miracle happens� e.g. I get better or find a partner). I know that I will miss my independence (what shreds of it I had) and that I will ache for it. My mamma knows this too. I always had somewhere to retreat and somewhere to just be me with no intrusions� no one asking me what I was doing or criticising what I was up to, but of course I was lonely on my own � so there�s bad and good. I�ve noticed that already I am having reoccurring themes: 1. How I feel 2. Moving back home 3. Friends 4. Disease and other health cr*p I wish I didn�t talk so much about my health, but it is such a large part of me � well it is me really. It governs me however much I don�t want it to � both mentally and physically. I go through phases of trying not to think about it because it makes me sad and depressed (and worried). It is the part of me and my life that people understand the least and it is also the part of my life that I have the least control over. I just wish that all the people who don�t understand had just experienced a few days of my life since 1991. One part that might make them get it would have been how I felt in the department store in town today. I just thought: I am going to collapse right here in the middle of the ladies clothing section and my mum is going to have to scrape me off the floor. I felt so ill L. If people could feel that then I think they would have a bit more understanding of how life is for me and my fellow sufferers. Completely random � I saw a really cute dog today, it was really tiny � about half the size of my cat. I could have just taken it home. I am such a sucker for cute animals. Another thing was that everywhere I looked there were toddlers. Maybe I am getting all clucky or something, but I have never seen so many children under 5! |
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