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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2004-01-21 - 1:58 p.m. I wrote this giant angsty post on Brainfog last night. It just came spewing out of me and even I was shocked. It needed to be said and got rid of because I had bottled it all up. Anyway I locked my diary for a bit because I am worried. Yesterday I was feeling very pants anyway, I slept again from 2 a.m.-12 noon and did the same (3.30 a.m.-12 noon) today... so this must be my new sleeping pattern. Not sure how I will fare with it tomorrow as I have to get up at 9 a.m. to get to the Jobcentre, but mum has said she will wake me so that should be ok. I didn't really do much except for a bit of filing and then I lay in bed all afternoon feeling really bad. At about 5 p.m. I decided that I would try and take a bath to ease my muscle, bone and gland pain... so I lay in a warm bath for an hour just dozing and then got into some clean nightwear. The bath really seemed to help and brightened my mood a little. Yeah so later on in the evening I was chatting on MSN and I got upset about something and started crying and then that started off the whole worthless feelings. It's like with me I only need a catalyst to start off a whole battery of crap that I didn't even know was there. Personally, looking back, I think I was just too unwell to cope with my feelings. Sometimes it happens like that, just the effort of being alive is enough, I don't have anything left to be able to deal with my emotions. I find in relationships that I tend to say sorry a lot when really I should just keep my mouth shut. Like even if the other person does something wrong, or something that hurts me, I feel obliged to say sorry just so they won't be mad at me because I voiced the fact that they upset me or whatever. It really annoys me. As soon as the sorry slips out of me... I feel angry at myself. If they're wrong, they're wrong... so why the hell am I saying sorry?! I guess I just want things to be fine so I do that to get the situation over and done with as quickly as possible in an attempt to get everything 'back to normal'. I have friends who blatantly wouldn't do that, even if it meant being mad at each other for a week. I don't really fancy trying that tactic though. I just find men are all full of guff, like puffer fish. When they are feeling sensitive or raw then their feelings are ok and valid, but as soon as women express that something upset them or played on their sensitive side then men act as if women are over-reacting, being hyper-sensitive or paranoid. It's like men have the inability to back down and be the one who wronged, whereas they expect women to apologise and to emotionally compensate for them. I think I overdo emotional compensation. I should let them stew. I shouldn't be so quick to back down. I still haven't sorted out a new diary name or the layout. Maybe I won't bother with gold membership and will just have a mega plain diary... like it even matters. I could save a few pennies lol! Room needs cleaning... jobseekers booklet needs filling... I sound like such a lazy bum... |
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