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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2004-01-16 - 2:28 p.m. I am so tired, I haven't slept properly for too long now and it's starting to get me down. I feel quite stressed inside, which is not a good sign. Last night I was lying in bed and I just felt tears trickling down my face as I was thinking about how much I dislike (ehem hate) my body. It's just so ugly and scarred that I feel ashamed of it. I was trying to explain this to my mom, but she doesn't understand. I can talk about it to a couple of my closest friends and they listen, but what can they say? I want a new body without the scars from years of sickness and no one can provide me with that. I have also been worrying about getting a job and being on this Jobseekers Allowance. I felt very panicky about that in the night as well and my chest started to tighten as I was considering what I can do about it. I can feel my body getting more and more stressed out, so I think in the next month I will have to come off it and just declare myself too sick to work. I talked about not working and not seeking a job with my mom. She agreed with me and I have figured out I have a little bit of money I could live on for a month or two, providing I don't get the urge to buy clothing or anything larger than a stamp. After that time I don't know what I will do. I think mom may give me a bit of ummm pocket money, like when I was a child, and we will see what happens. If I don't get a job this will be the first time since January 1991 that I have listened to my body and actually done what it is telling me to do, which is rest, rest and more boring rest. I had to get up and ready today because we were taking the cat to the vet for his booster injections. My mom doesn't really like doing these things alone and I feel kind of half responsible for the pets so I got up. I felt really unwell, actually I looked really pale and big black bags under my eyes.. mmm I was sporting the Phantom look again. Mom offered to go alone, but I decided seeing as I had bothered to get up I might as well go and I thought getting out of the house for an hour might do me good. On the way back we got two of the local papers and I had a look for a job in there, but although there are loads of jobs and many of them are part-time, none of them are suitable. They are either too many hours or lifting heavy things or front-line or in the wrong area. My printer arrived, but it uses a USB cable as opposed to whatever the other one is and my previous printer used a different cable. So now I have a printer with no connector cable. *sigh* Damn those people that make printers without connectors, which according to my friend is every printer manufacturer. I seriously wonder how many average Joe Bloggs people would have the cable when they bought the printer. I bet everyone gets it and then realises.. dang I don't have the right bits to connect it. So yeah now I am picking my techie friend's brain to see which cable I need. I have looked online and I am pretty sure I know which one, but then I am scared about purchasing it in case it is not right and then I won't bother to return it because I am ordering from an online company as I can't get out of the house. I am going to rest a bit in a moment. Thanks to the people that left me a note recently, you all know who you are! |
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