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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2004-01-04 - 1:28 p.m. On Friday 2nd at 8.30pm my Grandad died. It wasn't a shock or anything and he didn't really like me, my mum or my dad (who was his son) so I am feeling ok. My parents had already been at a funeral the same day... of my Grandad's brother, it seems like everyone is dying. It's meant my dad has been busy organising all the stuff that one has to organise when someone dies though, so that's been kinda busy. I on the other hand, have not been busy at all. I rested yesterday for most of the time as I felt quite poorly. I did however, make dinner for the family, which took me ages as I made a cottage pie with loads of vegetables. After that I felt so bad, I ended up lying on the sofa snoozing in front of the fire whilst half watching random programmes on TV in an attempt to stay awake. The one thing I like about winter is the feeling of cosiness in the evening, when it's all dark outside... the curtains are closed, the little lamps are on, the fire is lit and the cats and dog are lying contentedly sleeping. It reminds me of hobbits, for some reason. Their houses were so cute and cosy looking. I do have some things to do today. I really need to fill in my jobseekers booklet, file some stuff (as usual it's building into a giant pile) and tidy my room a litle bit. I also need to clean my gerbils out. Not a lot really, but then it is a Sunday and I should rest. Yesterday I was watching an episode of Rich Girls on MTV and I realised something. One of the girls on there had a relationship with a guy who basically spent most of his time upsetting her. When that relationship ended she said that she realised she had been addicted to the fact that he was feeding into her self-hatred. She was addicted to him being nasty to her and putting her down.. as it was an expression of what she hated about herself. My relationship with him was a bit like that. He fed into the things I disliked or hated about myself and played on them. Instead of making me feel better about myself, he picked on the things that other people should help you to accept about yourself or at least focus less on. It was really weird, watching someone else explaining how I had felt. I don't really feel so much like that now, I mean I have accepted what happened and I'm moving on, hopefully to better and brighter things. I realise now that love shouldn't be like that. A person should compliment and improve your personality and character, not destroy it. They should love you for who you were when they met you and not try to mould you into someone else. I also realise that I do expect commitment from the other person on a long term basis because it is important to me, and that is not a bad thing! What is important to me matters and I will only be happy in myself when I am with someone who respects that and is actually bothered to find out what makes me tick. Anyway my voyage of self-discovery endeth here as I am too tired to note down anything else. |
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