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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2003-12-26 - 1:13 a.m. Regardless of my religious affiliation, my family still adhere to the Christmas traditions. No one takes any notice of what Christmas is about, everyone I know uses it as an excuse for presents, a meal, decorations in the bleak mid-winter and marathon tv/movie viewing. Yesterday was no exception. Warning: If you are in a good mood... don't read on! Anyway I am here to moan, so moan I shall. I absolutely don't enjoy this time of year. I feel like the expectations of others are so great that they always get let down... it's like this massive build up to one tiny 24 hour window. It's not like Chanukah... that lasts for 8 days, or Ramadan which lasts a month ending in Eid. It's just this massive gigantic commercial mish-mash... This year was the first year my sister was not around for the actual day, which also happens to be her birthday... she's coming tomorrow. For some reason, even though we are chalk and cheese, I missed her terribly. On Christmas Eve night I was even crying because I missed her... I kinda felt stupid because we are not even close. It was 2am before I got to bed, I just felt damned miserable. I come from a tiny family, so without my sister there was only me and my parents. It just didn't feel like it normally does. Generally I really enjoy being with my family and having a nice meal, but this time all of us felt a bit lost... add to that the fact that I can't stay up all day downstairs... it's just made me feel like everything has passed me by! I know this probably sounds a bit silly and rambling, but it's my take on things. I slept quite a bit in the end, which means that I am now awake when I should be asleep. Although I am looking forward to tomorrow/today (Boxing Day), I am also half dreading it because we will have two extra people in the house and I find that a real strain. There always feels this pressure to be downstairs and 'with it', rather than half-comatose in bed *sigh*. It's hard explaining to people who don't have experience of either suffering from or living with someone who suffers from a chronic disease. Every day is affected by it, even having your family over becomes complicated. I feel like I miss out on a lot because I always end up in bed sleeping. Last time my sister and her fiance visited I ended up in bed fast asleep... my sister comes to say good bye to a sleeping lump. For some reason that makes me angry at myself. I feel annoyed that I cannot manage to stay up and visible for a whole visit, like I am some kind of failure. For years I had command of the sofa... I was just lying there trying to be part of things. These days I stay away a lot and leave my parents to have their own space and time. Sometimes I feel displaced, like I don't know where I belong. I feel anti-social for staying in my room, but too exhausted to go downstairs. It's so confusing. Oooh and I chose Christmas Day to weigh myself for the first time in ages.. bad idea! Let's just say it's worse than I thought. No wonder my clothes feel tighter. I desperately need to go on that diet, but that will have to wait till 2nd January. There's no point in doing it before then as I have a mountain of food and snacks to plough my way through before I start starving myself. Had better go and sleep. Hope everyone had a nice day. |
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