|
My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
||||||
2003-06-27 - 7:12 p.m. I barely slept last night. I tried so hard, but I was awake till about 4 am. So I slept in today until 2.30pm and then got up and wandered around shivering in my nightie. I lay on the sofa feeling sick and started watching a movie, but this movie turned out to be the most depressing, angsty pile of shit you have ever come across so in the end I turned it off and decided to clean my gerbils out. Believe me it's not a good idea to do that when you are shivering, half-dressed and feeling like you are gonna puke. However, I am very pleased with the results and I also madly managed to change my bed and have a shower before climbing back in there... in a non-shivering outfit now. I have had a good think about things these past few weeks. The self-loathing that I have seems to come and go, but even I was shocked by how I felt last night. I was so angry with myself that I actually wanted to self-harm. This morning during my 'big sleep' I was sub-consciously thinking about how I am actually angry with this disease for giving me all these mental problems. I didn't have any inkling of mental problems until the past couple of years when it all just got too much for me. I think even my mom and dad are aware of the mental and emotional problems now because mom mentioned it several times to me recently. I guess in a strange way I blame myself for being sick and my horrendous, yucky, scarred body; and for a bad thing that happened to me when I was little before I got sick. But really if only I could convince myself that it's not my fault then I feel I wouldn't wanna harm myself so much because I wouldn't hate myself. Urgh what a pile of poo. I do kinda wish I was a child once again, because although it had plenty of downsides... at least my parents assumed most of the responsibility for me and my health problems. Thanks everyone who sent me emails and msgs etc. I am sorry to go on about my weird shit recently. My mom has asked me to go on holiday with dad and her... maybe to Switzerland. I don't know how I feel about this idea because I am not sure if I could cope with a holiday with dad. Then again right now the idea of getting away from everything and looking at the beautiful mountains and lying in bed reading countless trashy books and magazines seems somewhat tempting. Hmmmm... |
||||||
