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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2003-02-06 - 12:08 a.m. I feel depressed. Today was ok I guess because I woke up before 9.30am and watched Trisha, got up and had extreme diet breakfast and then cycled for.... 40 minutes!!! I felt so bad about lack of cycling in the past two days that I was silly and attempted to make up for it by manically cycling today. Mom came home so I sat and had a cuppa with her and showered, then made lunch - which was another low fat extravaganza. The main crux of today is that it was good from a low-fat/diet perspective. I stuck to having only my allowed treat and took my medicines etc. So I am quite pleased with that, but then I have to remember to do this EVERY day... which is where I come unstuck lol. Healthwise (probably partly due to cycling) I am not very good. I have felt poorly, in terms of viral, the past few days. Today was no exception and around 3.30pm I felt so tired that I went to bed and slept for a bit. Mom wanted me to watch a movie with her this evening so I went and watched that, which was quite good in fact. This meant I was late coming online... bit of a bummer for some people. Anyway, news was broken to me that has kind of depressed me, except that I feel guilty, stupid and silly for feeling like that. I feel like I need to make more of a life for myself outside of these four walls, but I don't really know how. I know that probably sounds really nerdy and sad, but with my health restrictions and the fact that I live in a rural area - can't drive and couldn't afford a car even if I could... I kind of don't have a lot of options. I do have a few things that are happening... like the course and staying at my friend's and possibly going for lunch in London on Wednesday. Everything requires money and energy - neither of which I have much of. I guess I just look at myself and think... how do other people see me? I find myself boring, monotonous and I don't like it. I used to be more interesting because I was at uni and I went out and had lots of friends and even though I was often stuck in my halls... I could still pop in to see a friend or they would come and see me. I feel like I have regressed... I don't feel 22. It seems like all my friends are either getting on with study or getting engaged and have good jobs, cars, houses and stuff. I even feel guilty that I feel like this when other people are in way worse situations than me. It seems selfish and erm spoilt. I actually don't even know what I want to be or what I want in life anymore. I don't know what would make me happy. It's like I am in a boat and just floating around aimlessly not knowing where I am going. It's quite worrying when it's got to the point that I am actually looking forward to starting this 'probably' nightmare job because I want something to do and something to fill some of my boring life up with. You know something's wrong when you are sat in bed watching Channel 5 at 00.17!! Please ignore all the above venting crap... I just needed to let it out somewhere before I burst into tears. |
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