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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2003-01-02 - 12:04 a.m. Another year, another entry. Didn't do anything remotely exciting for New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, although we did cook a nice dinner on Jan 1st. Altho after eating it I felt really ill cos my stomach has shrunk so much I can't eat a lot. So far since I got the exercise bike I have done cycling every day. Mon-Now. Maybe I am a fool. No one can say I don't try to get thin. I work my butt off to lose weight. Pity my butt doesn't disappear. Thing is I am starting to pay for it. Right now I feel like someone installed lead in my shins instead of flesh. Burning lead. I just want to lose weight so badly and become thin that I will do anything for it to happen. My friend's are sure I am starving myself. I even managed to cut my meals down to one a day and the odd piece of fruit. Now in my brain I know this is not healthy cos I should be eating 3 normal low fat meals or 4 or 5 hand size meals to maintain my health and blood sugar. But I don't want to eat anymore cos I feel like that's what's making me so unhappy. Everytime I eat I get ill... tired... grumpy... and fat. I am sure I will snap out of this... I normally do. If I look back in my diary - I had one of these episodes a few months ago. I have become really bi-polar recently. I am not a bi-polar sufferer but I just see my own moods and actions like their behaviour a bit. I mean one minute I am so happy I feel like I am on drugs (never taken any but just guessing - oooh or that nice sedative they give u before they operate on u) and then later that day or week I will be like snapping at everyone and grumpy and just generally shitty. This has definitely developed since I left uni! I don't know what is the connection. Before I left I never argued with anyone, I never said anything nasty, never cussed, I was Miss Mouse in that area and Miss Chatterbox in all others. I am happy. I am so in love that it must be unhealthy. My html skills are improving. I am very, very fortunate to have a home, loving parents and a dad who works so hard so that I can have nice things and a good education. But somehow I always come back to square 1. I wonder will I ever be truly happy? Is anyone ever truly happy? I hope not cos then I won't be the odd one out. All my friends said to me that they think my happiness will come when I am skinny and I have the job I want... wonder if they are right?! Cooking a risotto tomorrow... make it low fat as possible... Right I am off to read Islamic books. Thought for the day: 'Always speak the truth, even if it is bitter.' (Baihaqi) |
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