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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2002-10-26 - 3:04 p.m. I haven't written in here for weeks. Not since that time when I was really upset. Actually at the moment I feel really upset as well... but I thought I should get back into writing some things down instead of having all these thoughts whirring round my head. I feel really unattractive, in fact today I feel like I dislike myself immensely. In some ways I wish I was not even here anymore. Something just unleashed my horrendous self body image and I can't stop thinking about it. Then I realised how a small thing can make me like this and start me off. I just drank a litre of water in one go and made myself feel sick. I want to be thin... no actually skinny... and pretty. I decided that last night. But then on the other hand for a period of time maybe about 6 months I had actually been really happy with the way I was looking. I was still overweight, but not really obviously so and my weight kind of went with my personality so people didn't notice. I stopped weighing myself everyday... sometimes even two or three times a day. In fact I hadn't weighed myself for a while. I stepped on the scales last night and started behaving like paranoid self disliking me again... weighed myself again this morning... I note even the tiniest addition. Mom went a bit mad this morning when she asked what I wanted to eat today and I said I didn't even care cos it's not likeI I'm gonna be eating anything anyway. In the end I did some housework to pacify her and make her forget about my eating habits. lol It's not even my weight either... I don't like my face - I just hate what's happened to my body... it feels like it's been taken over by aliens. Then I was thinking this is God's will and there is nothing I can do about it. He made me like this and I should like who I am. I can't change what's happened to me, but I still dislike myself. I remember I went out with this guy last year... and it was quite funny because I wouldn't eat anything and he got really annoyed with me. One day all I ate was a low fat yoghurt and he got so mad. He actually like me for what I looked like - I find that so strange. Tasks I must get round to doing at the moment include - more job hunting, filling in jobs forms, filling in my job seekers allowance booklet, messaging my friend, tidying my room and putting my clothes away, helping my mom and cleaning out my gerbils. Oh and reading some books... urgh that seems like a lot of things... I should write a list. |
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