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My Diary Stuff
My Reads Me:
 You are Beauty. You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the outside, or both. People are drawn to you as strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the world around you. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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2002-08-23 - 11:05 p.m. I haven't written in here for a while because the stupid thing wouldn't let me. Hmmmm... so what has been happening. Well I have not been very well - the reoccurring virus is back. However, I have ordered and had delivered a new cellphone - yipee, which was a bday present. I have ordered and am awaiting delivery of some stuff from Amazon - can't wait. Sad news - my poor laptop is sick... probably due to overuse ;-) and so it was carted off today for inspection by the engineers. URGH!! Am crossing my fingers and hoping it's nothing serious and that they get it done quickly. Anyway, last night was spent deleting the more personal or just rubbishy files - I didn't wanna leave any juicy stuff on there cos then the engineers would keep it longer so they could have a good laff and nose ;-) !!!!!!!! Went to the doctor's this morning for my 'New Patient Checkup' - duhhhh for like the 4th time in as many years. I was kinda worried about it and not looking forward to it in the slightest. I just don't trust doctors anymore - they never help me and they have been so nasty in the past. Anyway I was very surprised when I got into my appointment without too much of a delay... and I put on a smiley, happy, brave act and wowed the pants off of the doctor. She didn't say a nasty thing too me - and so that went alright in the end. Ok so that is the fairly ok and bearable stuff out of the way.... The really crappy part of today was this afternoon. I was feeling ill with said virus, but mum dragged me down the DSS office and then along to the Jobcentre. The point of this being to get some advice for me on my situation with regards to finances and work. Anyway, I was so embarassed to be in the DSS place that I nearly died of cringing. I just felt like I shouldn't be there - like I was trying to scab off the state or something. When I looked around at the other people... I felt so out of place. So the DSS people were crap to me - they didn't help at all.. they turned me away after telling me 'advice' that I already knew. They just didn't wanna be bothered to help me, especially because I have a degree - so they basically thought I was fabricating the whole thing. One of the women even suggested that my illness is not seen as being a 'real' illness!!! I squashed that on the head - but still it was the most demoralising and fruitless exercise. They just want me to work full-time... to not be a problem... to go away and shut up. I just felt like crawling into a hole. So my mum and I made our way to the Jobcentre. The people there were much nicer and they tried to help - but they don't have guidelines for the disease and they don't understand. They gave me a bunch of forms to fill in and I have to go back on Tuesday - for an interview... URGHHHH! The minimum amount of hours I can work is 16 - so I guess I will be looking for 16-20 hours. So after this pile of poo I was reduced into severe sadness and I just felt like I wanted to cry. I didn't dare though cos of mum. She knew I was really upset about the whole thing. Like other sufferers of this disease I just want to be 'normal'... to just be able to go to work and do a full-time job is my dream. I feel useless.. like a useless lump... going round the supermarket leaning on the trolley cos I thought I was gonna faint with the effort of standing.. I just wanted to burst into tears.. I could feel the tears welling... but I didn't. I am sure they will come out at sometime. I just don't see how I am ever gonna organise my life into doing a full-time job and getting enough money for a car and a place of my own. Equally I cannot see how any guy could ever understand me or this illness. I just feel so sad deep down - I feel hollow and there is this emotional pain inside me that is gnawing away at me. Like a kind of grieving... I don't think I will ever get over losing my health. I wonder why me.. but then as my mum says - why not? I sometimes wish that people could just live in my body for one day or one week.. just to see how it is. Maybe then they would understand. This body that is so scarred and useless.. it isn't me - it's not how I want to be.. it's as if something has come along and invaded it and I have no defence. No escape.. People look at me and I look ok - maybe a bit pale and a bit chubby.. but ok. My chattiness and my trying to please people and be happy makes me appear normal. In that sense maybe I am 'normal'. Oh well this is way longer and far more emotional than I ever intended it to be... |
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